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Name: Ashley
Country: United States
State: Nebraska
Metro: Lincoln
Birthday: 11/2/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Hanging out with my friends, partying, dancing, shopping *only at certain stores* ha!... going to school, workin' at subway! *eat fresh!*, listening to music all the time and of course, guys!
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  snowbunniechica
Member Since:
10/18/2004
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| So it's January and I dont think I've updated since about September. I guess myspace is just getting better and better lol. But anyways, I had to write and I didnt want to post a blog on myspace so I thought I would write on here.
So right now I'm about 20 weeks pregnant, which is about 4 1/2 to 5 months along so far. I found out on the 8th that I'm having a girl! Which is exciting to know I suppose. Cody and I are still together, going on six months in February. I guess that's good and I love him more than anything in this entire world but the baby situation is hard. He doesn't like it, doesn't want it and is basically just super scared. He keeps telling me that he's going to move away, out of state. I don't know what I would do if he did. It just really scares me... I'm in a position where I got to move out on my own before I have this baby and I was kind of hoping he'd move out with me. I haven't ever brought it up to him because I'm more scared that he's going to say no more than anything. I mean, I want him to move out with me because he's my boyfriend. I always stay the night with him anyways and if we both stayed in Lincoln rather than his house, it'd make things ten times easier, but the only reason I dont bring it up is because I dont want him to think its because I'm pregnant with his baby and he needs to be by my side, living with me to raise this baby. Ya know? So it's just been frustrating me lately and its scary. I wish I had the guts to bring it up to him....
Other than that, I got a job.... working at Gallup. It basically sucks but its money so I cant really quit. I need the money bad! I just want to prove to everyone that I can do this all on my own and not fuck up. I know I'll fuck up at some point because what human being doesn't right? I'm just scared out of my mind that I am going to. I get paid tomorrow for the first time from my job which should be nice but a lot of my pay check is already gone. I got a flat tire today, that sucked. I need my phone to be turned back on, bills are due and i'm freaking out.
But on a happier note, I'm really happy that me and Cody are still back together. I was scared for about a month that I wouldnt get him back because of Ashton but I did... thank god! I love him so much, its insane. I dont want someone that I'm in love with to move away from me, it'd be to hard for me, not to mention, he wants to move out to Cali with Jesse, his ex gf... which makes it a whole different story. Maybe I worry to much? Who knows....
I'm done rambling. I need to get some sleep. I'm exhausted and stuffed from eating chicken fingers lol. Here's an ultrasound picture of my baby girl!!
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| Things have been going good lately! Especially today...
I got the call back from St. Elizabeth's Hospital and I got the job!  I was definately excited about that. I start orienation October 2 and 3rd, and then after that, I think I begin working! It's a really good paying job and I have all kinds of ways of moving up in the hospital, so I'm definatley happy about it! Things otherwise are going good to. I suppose that me and my mom are getting along better. We haven't been argueing as much which is good. It just makes me life ten times easier when we get along so it's been good I should say. Then... me and Cody! Oh my gosh, you have no idea how happy he makes me! I mean honestly, who would of thought that we would be dating? And who would of thought he would of have a relationship longer than a couple of weeks? It's been a little over a month now since we've been dating and he makes me sooooo happy! We seriously spend every day together and never do I get sick of him. It's crazy! I love it though!
My birthday is coming up in a little over a month... November 2nd! We all definately need to party it up on that day no matter what! My last birthday wasn't to exciting except for getting a tattoo that night but it wasn't fun otherwise! So this one needs to be fun! Otherwise, I just thought I'd update!
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| I thought I'd do a little picture blog.... kinda recaping my summer. It's been crazy... for all the wrong reasons. I dated Justin, which turned into a mess, Jamie dying in July, then August came for me and I hate August... nothing good comes out of it. One of my best guy friends dying... Lil' John... then I meet Cody and now have a relationship with him? Crazy summer. Not to mention, seeing Brittni for all the wrong reasons. I mean, I love her to death, but are we ever going to see each other on a good note? haha. Maybe all of this was suppose to happen for a reason, and maybe not... but none the less, it's been a hetic summer for me and everyone else. Can't believe half this stuff has happened. More pictures later after Cody and Brit get them up here. <3
 Me and Brit over at Roger's the night she came back...
 John's mom, Kaela's mom, Cody and I at the lake!
 Rest in Peace Johnathan! We all love you and miss you from the bottom of our hearts!
 Rest in Peace Jamie!
 Jonathan, Justin, Nate and Gabe with Herbie Husker!
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| Respect, Boys and what’s on Ashley’s mind.
I got a phone call last night... an unexpected phone call. I looked at my phone and it said... “Tom calling...†Awkward. So I answer with the idea in my head that I’m going to get into a yelling spree with him, just because that’s what we do best. No, I was wrong. We talked, he seemed worried about my surgery... knew that I had no one around that cared. He’s been there for me through every other surgery, so it was nice to hear it coming from him. Somehow we ended up talking....â€I need closure†is what he said... “in person we need to talkâ€.... Awkward again. So I agreed to meet up with him after my ged test I was taking today.
Well the entire day... I’m thinking.... What’s closure? What could he possiably want to talk to me about? So before I go to class, I end up going to the mall with Danielle to look at some stuff and it becomes to late to drive all the way back to my car, then have me drive up to SCC. So she just takes me up there... well I don’t have a ride home then. So I called and asked Tom if he would pick me up and he said yes.... Okay so now I’m freaking out inside. I take my test... which quite actually seemed super easy to me. But I have a problem of saying that and then failing tests, so whatever. ha ha!
My tests over... and he comes and picks me up. Just like old times... nothing in his car had changed... nothing! The only thing I realized different was... him! Preppy clothes, no black at all, and he had lost weight. Even more awkward right? So... it’s nothing but normal to me... Tom driving, us smoking our cigarettes, listening to loud music with his system on. Pacific drive comes... he turns down the music just like he use to right before my house. “Meet me at the table where I carved Seth Fucking Ketelhut at...†Okay... So I do.
Well we’re there. First subject that comes out of his mouth is... Why I dated Josh and why I did what I did. Why’d I betray him like I did... I start crying. Never in my life has someone gotten to me like Tom does. Never! Dating Josh was fucked up of me. Very fucked up of me to do... especially to someone who meant everything in the world to me. I regret it.. every moment of it, I regret putting Tom through all the pain I’ve ever put him through. I never realized how much I’ve hurt him until today. It’s sad... and it hurts. (If your reading this, I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart of how much pain I’ve put you through. I want you to be able to fall asleep at night and stop the nonsense....)
Anyways... so people came in and interupted our talk... so we moved across the parking lot. Different topics come and go.... more tears, more regrets, more sadness and memories come into my head.
“Every other time we thought you were pregnant, I never wanted it. But the last time when you actually were, I was so happy and excited. I was going to have my family that I’ve always wanted Ashley. And when that’s torn from you, it hurts...â€
No one has any idea how hard that is for me to hear. I had the world with him. I really did. Yes I was pregnant at the age of 17, but I had the perfect boyfriend. If I hadn’t had a miscarriage, I’d be a mommy right now... probably living and raising our baby together. That’s where I’d be if the miscarriage hadn’t happened. How one thing can change everything is so scary to me. I don’t care who reads this, if they get offended or not.... but everyone that’s close to me knows that I’m always going to be in love with Tom and the other way around. He was my world and it got torn away from me... my boyfriend, my best friend... to loose that, hurts so incrediably much.
And he was right. I’m sick of being used in any way by guys. The only guy that’s ever given me the actual respect that I deserve has been Tom. I never realized that until today. He had sex with Natalie all the time... and then went to me... and didn’t have sex with me for five months until I was ready. Amazing. So next time I hear.. let’s have sex... I want the respect first. I want someone to love me for me, be there for me when I’m down, to hold me, to treat me like a princess and just be my boyfriend. Not someone that’s going to disrespect me like that. Not anymore. Tom was right about that. I’ve always said I hated it when he was right, and I’ll say it again... because it’s the truth.
He told me he wants to move away.... to Colorado. I’d be dead inside if he moved away. Yes, I am saying this and fuck you if you think this is funny or stupid, but it’s how I feel and I can’t help that. I want him back... everything about him I love, even his flaws. He may not feel like this, but its how I feel and its how I’ve felt for the past three years. Yes, we talked about him having “closure†tonight but I don’t care. I need to get this out of me. I want and wish something would come out of it. I remember him saying something to me a long time ago...â€Maybe some day down the road, things will work out and we’ll be back together†I wish it would happen. I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else. It’s scary to me. Really it is.
So thank you Tom for helping me realize the respect issue with me. Thank you for always being there and listening to me and most of all, thank you for being there for me through out the past three years of my life. We’ve had our ups and downs through thick and thin. Maybe some day down the road, things will work out.. or maybe not. I love you and I always will. You gave me everything... hope, faith, encouragement, listening, and the most perfect two years I could ever ask for. Thank you. <3 | | |
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